no one reads this anymore so it's safe to use it as an outlet to vent or complain... or to seek answers because the questions have no real answers for anyone to give anyhow... soooo... here it goes...
How do you tell when someone's heart is crying out for help? you can't. No one would be able to look at you and know your feeling alone, or that you don't feel loved. People see you smile and greet them and they would never know your dead inside. I know these feelings all to well... I feel them every day. I've packed up my family and moved thousands of miles away from everyone I ever new because I love and support my husband. This is what was required for his job... the job of his dreams. so we all went. the kids are adjusting well... and i have to admit there are things i like better. but i'm so lonely. I have been here almost a full year and have made no friends. there is no one i talk to.. not even other moms. I cling to keeping a 16 year old at home to keep me company so i don't go insane... and that isn't right for him. I leave the house to do the food shopping or bring kids to and from school cause that's things a good mom does.,, and i almost never ask for help. god forbid if i do though... i get a cascade of "I've worked all day and i'm too tired" type excuses from my husband or the "do i have to type" from the kids. so it's me against whatever task is at hand. the warrior mom... that's me. just me... alone to handle it all. when is it my turn to say I'm to tired? when do i get to say "i don't want to" or "do i have to"? I'm dangling at the end of my rope... and no one can tell. all they see is the smile because i don't let them see the tears. My children shouldn't be the ones supporting me... so i hide all the hurt i feel. Family turns away instead of trying to figure out why when i do slip up and let some of the hurt out. though i do have to admit that on those times i let it out it usually was done as a sarcastic remark so i don't know if they figured out it was me hurting or if they just got pissed at the remark, either way it doesn't mater though.. it amounts to the same thing. a cold shoulder or straight up ignoring/shunning me. i can't help but wonder if i'm going to fall when i'm too exhausted to hold on anymore or if someone will notice in time to grab my hand an pull me back up. For now... I guess for now my heart will just have to add another layer of glue to keep it together and hold the tears in for as long as i can.
so thank you air for listening to this hearts complaints and blowing away this girls tears before anyone could see... it's time to go back to being the warrior mom... until another day....
